Everybody Hurts
by Marian.Locksley
Summary: Originally a songfic based on REM's "everybody hurts". Sometimes being brave is to hard, sometimes its so much easier to be a coward. Sometimes life is not worth living. Warning: character suicide, major angst, and dark themes
1. I'm Sorry

_Author's note: This was originally going to be a songfic based on "Everybody Hurts" by REM, but my plot bunny met a lady bunny and they had lots of babies...this is the result. It's a (very belated) birthday present to GwenCooper456 because she is awesome :P I believe in happy endings, but what we believe in doesn't always come true (just look at Children of Earth) unfortunately this fic didn't want one (trust me I tried). If you want a time frame I would say very early in series two, that's as close as I can give. All the chapters have been written but it's up to you guys whether or not I post them...please review_

...

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the tears trickling down his cheeks. He stuck out the tip of his tongue, tasting the salty droplets as they dripped into his open mouth. Everything hurt. There was not one part of his body that wasn't in pain – even his mind hurt. He couldn't bare it; not now, not after everything. He thought of Jack, strong brave Jack: strong brave Jack who had left him once and would leave him again, telling him it would be alright.

"Everybody hurts, sometimes, everybody cries."

He had let Ianto weep, till his shirt was plastered to his skin with tears. Stroking his hair softly and murmuring sweet nothings into his ear.

"Sometimes everything is wrong. Hold on."

It had been such a comfort, someone's warmth, their understanding, but now he was alone. And alone he couldn't hold on. Not in this cold, dark flat, that held so many memories of all the things he had lost. Not in the hub, that still held the echo of those screams, the metallic smell of blood. Everywhere he went the memories followed him, filling his head, until he was sure he was going crazy – it was too much.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

His tears were more frequent now, and he clutched the knife tighter in his hands, feeling the metal, cold against his skin.

"I'm sorry Jack, Tosh, Owen, Gwen. I'm sorry mam, Rhi and Lisa; oh Lisa." He felt the familiar tightness in his chest, that thoughts of her always bought, a metal band tightening around his heart. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'll be with you soon."

He knew he was being selfish, incredibly selfish, but for once he didn't care. They would get over it, they would learn to forget. And Jack? He had lived so long, lost so many, surely another could be forgotten, surely another wouldn't hurt too much. Anyway what was he? An office boy, an easy shag? Certainly nothing worth crying over, certainly not someone he'd loved...had he? And he found that the thought of being forgotten by Jack hurt even more then the thought of Lisa. His mind drifted back.

"Don't let yourself go. You're brave Ianto, I know you, I know how much it hurts, but hold on."

He felt his breath hitch. How he wished he would be the man Jack thought he was, how he wished he could be brave. But Jack was right – everybody hurts, and sometimes it was so much easier to be a coward.

He lifted the knife a little higher, running his finger along the blades edge. The metal sliced easily through the pale skin, leaving an angry red line. The physical pain was a relief – now at least something showed.

In the moments before it happened everything was crystal clear. The blood pumping through his veins, the gentle caress of the cool air against his damp skin, the lapping of the bath water around his chest. Then slowly, deliberately, he leaned forward and placed the blade against his exposed wrist. For a moment he left it there, feeling its weight, then, in a well practiced move he pulled, twice.

The last thing he noticed before the world went black was the thin trickle of liquid from his arms, slowly turning the bath red.

In the darkening room with his eyes closed and a peaceful smile decorating his face, Ianto Jones could have been asleep. But if you looked closer you would notice three things. Firstly the colour of the water surrounding him – the same colour as the blood that dripped from his wrists; secondly the lack of movement. His body showed none of the tell-tale signs of life, not the gradual rise and fall of the chest, no flicker of hair as he breathed out, not even the steady tick of a pulse along his neck.

You could peer into the room for a good ten minutes before you noticed the final thing, tucked neatly onto a chair in the corner of the room. A note, placed atop a pile of neatly folded clothes, and across the top a single word, written in Ianto's neat, clear hand.

"Jack."

_..._

_So... is he alive or dead? I know the answer you have to wait to find out, remember reviews = update. Also while I have posted this under T for now, I will need to move it to M soon, so tag it if you want to, as I know how hard M rated stories are to find._


	2. Discovery

_Author's note: Okay because I love you all and I got such encouraging reviews. Thanks to everyone who added this story to alert, and especially to those who reviewed, it is for you people that I keep on writing. I should warn you; this chapter tells you nothing apart from who finds Ianto. You'll have to wait till next chapter (or maybe even the one after if I'm feeling mean) to find out whether or not he is alive. Anyway, enjoy._

_..._

Owen was still fuming when he pulled up in front of the apartment block. Why had he been sent to fetch teaboy? If it was so important that he turned up on work not a minute late, why couldn't Jack just call him? In fact, Jack had been trying too for the last hour, a fact he hadn't felt the need to impart on the indignant Owen.

"Why do we even need to check on him?" Owen had protested.

"Because he's angry and upset, and I don't know what he'll do!"

"This is teaboy we're talking about, he won't _do _anything."

"Just go Owen." And Jack's tone burked no argument.

So, annoyed and slightly resentful, Owen had left. Now he was beginning to think Jack's fear was more founded then he had given it credit for.

He had managed to climb the seven flights of stairs that lead to Ianto's flat (bloody broken lift), and was standing in front of a locked door.

"Oi! Teaboy!" Owen hammered on the door, hard. "Open up."

There was no answer, or sound of movement from the other side of the wood, and a tiny sliver of doubt began to tug at the back of Owen's mind.

"Ianto? Are you there?"

Again no answer; there was something wrong. Ianto always answered the door, even if it was one in the morning. Doing something as rude as ignoring someone was against his nature. Therefore he was either not there, or there was something wrong. And every fibre of his being screamed to Owen that something was wrong, really wrong.

"Ianto open up right now or I'll smash open this door." And he wasn't jesting.

The reasoning was this: if Ianto was out then Owen would pay for a new door, but if there was something wrong then he'd have to get in somehow and this was the only solution he could think of. Torchwood owned master keys to all its employees' residences, but they lived in Jack's safe and no-one else had ever held them. Breaking in was his only option.

Taking deep breath Owen stepped away from the door, hoping there weren't any old ladies near-by who would call the police on him, he threw his entire – admittedly not very substantial – body weight against the piece of wood. A loud crack resonated along the wooden hallway.

The flat was dark as he entered, and only the moonlight streaming in through the uncurtained window prevented him from falling flat on his face. After several moments of fumbling he found the light switch, and the lounge and hall were flooded with harsh fluorescence.

There was no sign of Ianto in either the lounge or the kitchen, and Owen headed towards the bedroom. It had occurred to him that this was Jack's idea of a joke and he would really regret what he saw when he opened the door, but to his surprise the room was dark, and clearly empty. He would have left the flat without a second glance, had he not heard the sound of dripping water coming from the bathroom.

He knew what he would find the moment he reached out and found the door locked. Every doctor knows, and it is every doctor's nightmare. Yet Owen hoped against hope that just this once he might be wrong. He was not so lucky.

The light was off, and the room too dark to make out anything clearly, but the metallic smell of blood filled the air. That smell, the memories it bought back, they hit so strongly it was almost like being there again, at the hospital with Katie. It took all his courage and training not to turn and run right then, even so he hesitated a second before flicking the switch on. He definitely didn't want to see what awaited him, but he was, first and foremost a doctor, and he had to do anything he could to help.

Even prepared the sight shocked him. The water filling the tub was the red of a good quality shiraz, and growing darker with each drip of blood that entered it (so that sound hadn't been a leaky tap). Ianto's body was half obscured by the murky water, but the bright red slits that adorned his wrists were clearly visible above the water. This was no accident; Ianto Jones has tried to kill himself. Tired, and from the looks of it, succeeded.


	3. Poor Jack

_Author's note: Sorry for the wait, I have had quite a lot on recently. But I'm back and maybe this chapter has some answers for you..._

_..._

Doctor or not there was nothing Owen could do for Ianto without the correct equipment, so he has two choices. He could either call an ambulance and risk the police getting involved or ring Jack and hope the SUV was close enough to be of any use. It took him five seconds to make up his mind – then he dialled.

"Harkness." The voice was gruff but not unkind. Owen I need you to bring the SUV to Ianto's flat right now."

"Why? What's wrong? Owen what's happening?" Jack's voice was getting panicky and Owen knew he had to get him moving before he freaked out completely.

"I'll explain as you drive, just move!"

"Am doing. I should be there in five, now what's wrong?"

"Okay Jack, promise me you won't freak out?"

"No I don't, but tell me anyway."

"Jack you're driving too fast, this situation won't be helped by speeding."

"How can you tell? You're not in the car with me!"

"I can hear it in your voice – slow down."

Reluctantly Jack eased his foot off the accelerator, Owen was right: it didn't help. But why wasn't he being told what was going on? Scenes flashed through his mind, getting steadily worse until he could hardly breathe. He had to know the truth.

"Please Owen; I need to know, what's happened?"

Owen took a deep breath, "He cut his wrists Jack, the stupid fucker tried to kill himself." There he'd said it now he only hoped there were no pedestrians in Jack's way.

Jack almost slammed into a lamppost as the full impact of Owen's words him. What had he done?!

"Is he still alive? Owen! Is he still alive?"

Owen hesitated before answering. He thought he had felt the faintest of pulses along Ianto's neck but he couldn't tell whether it was actually there or just his wistful thinking. He didn't want to give Jack false hope.

"I don't know."

"What do you mean 'you don't know'?" Jack pitched his voice in a cruel mockery of Owen's, "You're a fucking doctor! You should know!"

In any other situation Owen would have been furious to be teased in such a way, but for once he accepted it. Jack felt guilty and frightened, and he was dealing with it the only way he knew how.

"I mean I don't know Jack. But the moment you bring me my doctor's kit from the SUV I'll be able to tell you. So RUN!"

He had heard the car pull up and watched the coated figure sprint across the dimly lit street. As he disappeared into the building a sudden thought struck Owen.

"The lift is broken, take the stairs."

No reply came, but heavy breathing indicated his warning had been followed. Now there was nothing to do but wait.

...

_...Or maybe not! Remember reviews equal love, and love equals life for Ianto ;)_


	4. The Worst Is Yet To Come

_Author's note: My life has been pretty hectic – I am moving to London for six months and then my cat got hit by a car (he's alright) – that's why it's been a while. Hope it was worth the wait. _

As soon as he'd found the body Owen had spun into action: wrapping Ianto's wrists tightly in a clean bandage, and emptying the sickening bath water. In his exposed state Owen had noticed several things about the young Welshman, things that had been hidden.

Firstly he was unbearably thin, ribs and hip bones pushed against taught skin, which was in itself a point of worry, being the dull yellow indicative of severe hunger. By itself this was bad enough – but there was more. Thin white scars criss-crossed then man's wrists, seeming pale and insignificant next to the vicious red slits, but definitely formed by a sharp object pulled across exposed skin. Owen knew self-abuse was addictive (once you started it was almost impossible to stop) and wondered how he has managed to mangle his wrists without anyone noticing, then he found out. Yellowing bruises covered Ianto's upper thighs, each centred by a tiny red circle – needle marks.

He was forced to put his horror at Ianto's abuse to the back of his mind when he heard Jack crash into the flat. His voice sounding incredibly loud in the previously silent flat, he called to him.

"Jack! I'm in the bathroom."

Less than five seconds later Jack's face showed around the door. He was flushed from his run up the seven flights of stairs but the moment his face alighted on the prone figure I went white though wether with fear, anger, surprise, or a combination of all three Owen couldn't tell. But he didn't have time to guess, a more urgent matter presented itself.

"Pass me the med kit now!" His voice came out harsher than he intended but he didn't waste time apologising, "And take off your coat – I'll need your help."

It was a mark of the seriousness of the situation that no comment about undressing passed Jack's lips. He simply did as Owen had instructed and knelt down on the damp floor.

"What can I do?"

"Pass me that red vial, yes that one." Jack handed it over, frowning slightly.

"Isn't it a..."

"Yes it's alien. But it might well save his life – if it can be saved – so quit complaining."

Measuring out exactly a lid full, Owen pulled back the now blood soaked bandages. Jack's eyes widened upon seeing the wounds but he kept his mouth shut, biting his lower lip worriedly. Owen forced open the gash with his fingers, tipping the liquid inside and pushing the sides shut. Jack was about to protest but Owen shushed him.

"It'll heal the wound and make enough artificial blood to replace some of what he's lost, if he's alive that is."

"Why the fuck didn't you check if he was alive first?" Jack was seriously annoyed, annoyed and scarred. "You're a bloody doctor."

"I did, but the pulse was so faint I thought I might have been imagining it. I guess we'll find out soon enough."

Jack nodded. He should have known Owen would have had a good reason. He closed his eyes briefly, praying that Ianto lived, then turned back to Owen.

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"No. I just need to run some more blood tests, see if he has any chemicals in there that shouldn't be. You don't need to watch."

It seemed strange to run tests on a dead man, but Jack thought better of questioning Owen, staring instead at the body.

_End note: I'm sorry you still aren't going to find out if he's alive or not – one more chapter and then you will. Promise. _


	5. At Least I Can Jump

_Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to a friend (I think) who said he once wrote a story with the line – "I can't fly but at least I can jump" – it reminded me of this. _

_..._

The last minute before Jack had entered Owen had thought to wrap a towel around Ianto's lower half. The young man was private and Owen was pretty sure that he wouldn't want more people to see him naked – if he lived to care. Now he carefully pulled up the fabric so that the needle marks on his legs were visible.

"Ohhhhh." Jack gave a sharp intake of breath, when he saw them.

"Yes Jack they are needle punctures," Owen commented upon hearing the man behind him, "but I can't tell whether they are self abuse or if there was...something else involved."

"You mean drugs?" Jack sounded incredulous. "This is Ianto we are talking about."

"Yes I do mean drugs, and yes it is Ianto. Ianto who attempted, if not succeeded in killing himself, and is now lying of his bathroom floor where I pulled him from a bath, red with his own blood – whoever this is, he's not the Ianto we thought we knew."

Jack nodded, Owen was right; this was out of the realm of what 'should happen'.

"These blood tests will show up anything abnormal, and by then we should know whether he's with us or not."

Jack averted his eyes as Owen slipped another needle under the pale skin of Ianto Jones.

Looking towards the door Jack saw the pile of clothes perched atop the chair, and then he saw the letter. Curiously he reached out and grabbed it. It was unexpected and surprisingly painful to see his name written across the envelope – the final act of someone who couldn't face life anymore. Taking a deep breath he slid his finger under the edge of the paper and pulled it open.

The ink was splotchy where drops of water had fallen on it, and Jack guessed they were tears. But Ianto's neat hand was as legible as ever, and with a heavy heart he began to read.

_Dear Jack,_

_If you are reading this then you know what I've done and you probably hate me for it. I hope it was you who found me – not any of the others, they wouldn't understand. But you understand don't you? You know what life does to you, and you know why I needed to escape._

_I'm sorry. Sorry I hurt the people I love, sorry I was too weak to hang on. You're right Jack: everybody hurts, but some people are brave enough to hang on; I guess that makes me a coward._

_Tell my family I love them, and tell them to forget me. Everyone forget me and move on. This was my choice, my fault and I wish I could do it without hurting you – but I can't._

_I loved her Jack, and now I have nothing._

_Forget me,_

_I_

Jack felt a wet drop fall from his eye to mingle with the tear marks already on the page. So much pain, bottled up, hidden. How could he have been so naive as to think Ianto was alright? Why hadn't he tried to help? Oh god, why had he just pretended that nothing had happened, maybe he could have saved him...But he's been too caught up in his own life to notice any one else's.

How was he going to tell everyone, the team, Ianto's family? What was he going to say? His mind was such whorl of questions that he didn't notice Owen shouting until the medic leant over and slapped him across the face.

"Jack? Jack! Snap out of it! I've already got one unconscious man on my hands, I can't deal with another."

...

_End Note: There, did you really think I would kill off my favourite character? I hope it was worth it __ The next chapter should be up soon. _


	6. Escape

Owen's words took a long time to pull themselves through the turmoil of thought's that was Jack's mind, but the look on his face when their full meaning hit him beyond ecstatic.

"He's alive?"

Suddenly Jack felt his entire being lighten, and laughter bubbled out of his open mouth in unstoppable waves. His joy was infectious and soon he and Owen were clinging to each other laughing so hard tears rolled down their cheeks, all the pain of the last few hours dropping away like rain.

When they had finally stopped Jack took control of the situation, ordering Owen to collect his medical supplies and take them down to the SUV.

"I'll carry Ianto. Can we keep this to ourselves for now? As soon as everyone arrives in the morning I will call a conference and explain the whole situation but for now let's keep it on a need to know basis."

Owen nodded; glad he was not faced with the task of explaining Ianto's suicide attempt to his team mates. Although he would never admit it the event had struck him deeply, and he wasn't sure he would be able to rationally recount it to the others.

"We can put him in one of the cells for now. Are you able to set him up with and IV and anything else he might need? Then at least we have CCTV on him."

"Sure, I'll see to it as soon as we get to the hub."

Jack paused, trying to work out how to word his next question, and then blurted it out so the words fell over each other in an effort to escape his mouth.

"Was it drugs? I mean the needle marks, were they from injecting drugs?"

"No Jack" Owen stared up at him, eyes telling more than the voice ever could, "There were no chemicals in his system."

They fell silent, unspoken thoughts making the air thick. As terrible as it was they had both been hoping it had been something chemical. At least an addiction could be cured. The fact that someone would drive a needle into their flesh again and again just to cause pain was unthinkable, and yet evidence of it lay before their very eyes.

It hit Jack then – the fear he had been holding back with the joy of Owen's discovery – Ianto Jones had wanted to die, failing wouldn't change that. Whatever motives had driven him to take that action in the first place would still be there and he had to try and help.

He had to discover why someone would be willing to spend eternity in the darkness, just to escape.


	7. Now what?

_Author's note: Okay, because I am feeling especially nice, and because it may be a while until the next update I fly to London on Sunday – jet lag sucks) you can have two chapters tonight. They are both very short (as you have seen from the previous one) but they are separate. _

It wasn't until they reached the med bay in the Hub that Jack thought to ask Owen about the alien substance that he had smeared on Ianto's wrists. Thankfully it was late enough for no-one to be around and Jack and Owen were free to talk and move about freely.

"What does it, you know, do?" Jack gestured to the vial Owen was carefully replacing in his medical cabinet. "Did it really help save his life?"

Owen took a deep breath then nodded. He would rather not tell Jack about that particular substance but they had both been through enough tonight, and he owed him the truth.

"It's amazing really. What it does is create artificial blood to replace any which has been lost. I'm not sure how, but I replicates the blood type and then calculates the missing quantity. I have never used it with humans before but with aliens it seems to work – without it Ianto would have bled to death. Unfortunately it doesn't last for much more than an hour, kind of like leprechaun gold, so I'll need to give him a blood transfusion as soon as possible."

There Owen stopped; biting his lip as he watched first astonishment then anger, slip across Jack's face. Finally he gathered the courage to speak again. "Jack I'm sorry I know I shouldn't have used it but…" He trailed away, unable to come up with an adequate excuse.

Jack looked up at him and Owen was surprised to see tears sparkling in the corners of his eyes.

"It saved Ianto's life and for that I am eternally grateful, but after tonight I never want to see it, or any other alien medicine, in this lab again. Is that understood?"

Owen nodded hurriedly, grateful to have gotten away with nothing more than a warning.

"Now didn't you say something about a blood transfusion? And we should get out of sight before the girls arrive."

_End note: Next time find out how the team react, I only have two more chapters written up but if people want I may continue, the ending I have is very…depressing. Remember reviews = love and more story ^_^_


	8. For the team

_Author's note: So I can't count (this is why I am failing maths) and there are in fact three more chapters to go (including this one) that I have already written. I have those all typed up but you'll have to wait for the next two...although if everyone is very nice and reviews (like you have been)...Anyway this chapter is told from Gwen's POV hope you like it._

...

It was well past nine by the time Gwen arrived at the tourist centre. Repeating her excuse to Jack over in her head she pushed open the door of the tourist centre. Surprisingly, for this time in the morning, it was deserted. Oh well, she thought, at least I won't get a disapproving look from Ianto, and she leaned under the desk, punching the button which opened the secret door.

It wasn't until she reached the main hub door and realised that the hub was powered down that she thought properly about Ianto's absence. Clearly the team wasn't away fighting alien threats or the Hub would be active, and it was well past the time when everyone was supposed to arrive, so that meant...oh god!

Screwing her eyes tight shut Gwen took a step forward and activated the cog door. The wheel's sound and the flashing lights should have warned anyone to her presence, but just in case she added her own voice to the fray.

"Is it safe to open my eyes? I won't see anything me or Ianto will regret?"

She was going to say "that any of us will regret" but then she realised that Jack wouldn't care what she saw – in fact he would probably ask her if she wanted to join in. She waited for a minute or so but when no reply came she cracked open an eye and noticed for the first time the lights shining in the boardroom.

Warily she made her way up the stairs, taking comfort in the fact that Owen's jacket was draped across the chair and Tosh's computers were running. It seemed strange that there was no-one in the main area and that the lights were off, but there could have been a power cut. Tosh's computer ran on an external source – they couldn't risk losing any information, and the boardroom could be lit by torches...all she could do was see.

When she reached the closed door Gwen knocked loudly, hoping she wasn't interrupting anything...private.

"Come in Gwen."

Jack's voice was muffled by the wood but she could have sworn he had been crying. At least the fact he knew it was her meant the other's were there.

The moment she set eyes on them her well prepared excuse fell from her lips. Tosh held a bundle of tissues in her right hand – which was remarkably devoid of a coffee mug, and Jack's eyes were unusually bright, like he was holding back tears. Owen and Ianto were absent and Gwen gulped as she thought of the implications.

"Sit down; I'm afraid I have some distressing news." Jack's voice shook as he spoke and Gwen's fear in creased ten-fold. Suddenly she knew what had happened. The powered down Hub, the quiet, the lack of coffee –Torchwood was in mourning.

"He's dead isn't he?" She managed to stop herself sobbing, but it was a close thing.

"Owen's dead."

Jack laughed then, the sound cutting through the air like a knife. It was a harsh bitter laugh, holding no pleasure.

"No Gwen." The words were distant, cold. "Owen's fine, completely fine."

But if not Owen then...

"Ianto?"

The laughter stopped and Gwen gasped. He couldn't be, not Ianto, not after everything he'd been through. Then another thought struck her squarely in the stomach, knocking all the air from her lungs.

"He killed himself?"

Tosh sniffed loudly and Gwen slumped into the nearest chair, barely able to take it in. She was so shocked it took her a minute to realise that Jack was speaking.

"...not dead; we got to him in time, but he's weak, very weak, and the fact that he even tried, well..." The words trailed off.

"It's my fault." Her voice was barely audible but both Jack and Tosh turned towards her instantly. "He asked me if I thought anyone would miss him if he died, and I said we'd miss his coffee. I didn't realise he was serious."

Tears were pricking the back of her eyes, but she brushed them away.

"If I'd said yes...oh god Jack, what have I done?"


	9. Realisation

**Author's note: So I am finally in London and loving it – that means you guys get another chapter XD I am hoping it proves worth the wait. Free lamingtons and vegemite (because they are a rare commodity over here) to reviewers.**

It took almost fifteen minutes to calm Gwen down enough to explain that Ianto wasn't in fact, dead; and even then she kept blaming herself for the suicide attempt.

"Look Gwen, snap out of it!" Jack was upset, angry and tired – he couldn't deal with anymore female hysterics. "It's all our faults and we will work this out as a team." His tone signalled the finality of the statement and Gwen closed her mouth, silent tears still leaking from her eyes.

As if on cue Owen commed Jack to tell him Ianto was conscious and they could come and see him if they wanted.

"Only don't be to over-the-top people, he's not a child." Jack looked pointedly at Gwen and she dipped her head in acknowledgment.

Taking a look around the room Jack realised that they could never go down looking as they did. Tosh had tear marks tracked down her cheeks and a bundle of tissues scrunched in her hands. Gwen's mascara had run till she bore a striking resemblance to a panda – he had to stifle a giggle at the thought, receiving disapproving looks from the two girls.

He didn't even want to think about his own appearance. His face was clear of any tear marks, but the shirt under his coat was a different matter – still damp from the tears and bath water, and stained with dried blood – he was a mess.

"Okay let's get cleaned up, because – no offence Gwen – but you look like a panda."

It was like discovering Ianto was alive, the comment broke the oppressive sadness that filled the room and before they knew it they were laughing so much it hurt clutching each other for support.

"We should, we should really...argh..." And Tosh collapsed back into giggles.

It was Owen's voice through the comms which bought them back to earth.

"Ummm I'd hate to interrupt anything, but where are you?"

Jack stood up, suddenly serious. "Coming just gotta get cleaned up. Is he okay?"

"He's fine Jack" Owen's voice was low and soothing, a doctor not a friend, "at least he seems fine...he won't talk."

Jack's face was a mask, and Gwen thought she saw something akin to fear rippling underneath his stony features.

"Right girls, the time for laughing is over. Let's get cleaned up and then we're going to see Ianto. And no crying!" He glared at them, and they both nodded.

"Yes Sir!"


	10. Death Comes Easy

_Author's note: Last chapter I've written, I was going to finish here but I suppose I must make him better mustn't I? There is a little bit of swearing at the end, sorry it needed it. Tell me if you want this to continue so I can make Ianto better (although this isn't going to be happy ever after) any ideas of suggestions are welcome._

The room seemed stifling, the air too thick and heavy with thoughts. Owen had tried speaking at first, just murmured nonsense about recent events or even – god help him – the weather, but now he sat silent. Ianto wasn't talkative at the best of times, but this complete silence...if Owen didn't know better he'd have thought he couldn't speak.

He stood as the others entered, noting Gwen's wide-eyes and Tosh's slight flinch. Jack's face was its usual impassive mask. He could see what they saw and he knew they had every right to be frightened.

The room was deep beneath the archives, a miniature hospital hardly used, almost forgotten. The walls were white, as was the bed at its centre. In fact the only thing that had any colour was the drip hanging by Ianto's head; the red shockingly loud against the sterile room.

Even the figure they had come to see seemed devoid of colour. His skin was pale from shock and blood loss, there were dark circles under his eyes and his hair seemed flat and dull. Only his eyes showed colour, but they were so black and hopeless that no-one could look.

Gwen walked to his side and smiled brightly. She seemed to realise there was nothing she could say, and gently squeezed his hand instead. Ianto didn't respond.

Tosh sat on the end of his bed – carefully avoiding his legs – and rested her hands in her lap. Her mind was having trouble processing what was in front of her eyes and Owen longed to reach over and hug her but he stayed put.

Jack hadn't moved. He simply stood by the end of the bed and stared at Ianto's face. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Ianto raised his eyes. The emptiness that has so consumed him was gone and in its place was a burning anger.

"Am I completely bound?" His voice was rough, but no-one could mistake the venom in it as he spat the words at Jack. "Do I have no choice? I choose the only path still left to me, and even that was too much. You had to come in, in your big grey coat with your smile; you had to be the fucking hero didn't you? I have not life, I want no life. I am dead Jack."

...

_Endnote: I am not sure what I am going to do next – any ideas or requests are appreciated. There may be a slight wait for the next chapter, as I have to write it. Thank you everyone who has read and reviewed, or just lurked. _


	11. Tired

_Author's note: It has been a while – very sorry – but I am back! This chapter is in a very different style from the rest of the story, and I hope it fits in (if it is to terrible tell me and I will re-write it). We don't learn all that much new, but I think what is said is important to say. As always thank you so much to those who review, I love you all._

…

It had been three months since Ianto Jones tries to kill himself. Three months of endless watching, endless waiting. Three months of regular medical check-ups and even more regular collapses. Three months of hell.

Owen was tired. Tired of the constant blood counts, of force feeding his friend because he refused to eat. Tired of seeing him disappear before his eyes and standing uselessly on the sideline. He was tired of waiting.

Gwen was tired. Tired of smiling, of pretending everything was going to be alright. Tired of trying to talk to an unresponsive figure, tired of failing. Tired of getting home every night and crying herself to sleep. She was tired of wishing.

Tosh was tired. Tired of monitoring every heart beat, of keeping constant surveillance. Tired of hoping he would get well soon, tired of sitting at her desk and watching a ghost drift past her. Tired of trying to reach him. She was tired of watching.

Jack was tired. Tired of trying to keep him alive of working his heart for a hopeless cause. Tired of escorting his lover home each night and locking away anything he could hurt himself with. Tired of sleeping on a hard couch outside his bedroom, tired of bought coffee. He was tired of wondering.

Ianto was tired. Tired of the needles, the tubes and wires. Tired of the sympathetic glances, the teary eyes. Tired of the computers that followed him everywhere. Tired of collapsing only to be revived and pumped full of chemicals. Tired of being trapped, treated like a tiny child. He was tired of living.

…

_Coming up: Someone helps Ianto (no I am not telling who), and we learn some more about his past…Until next time. Remember reviews make me want to write (and publish) more, so really you're doing yourself a favor ;)_


	12. A Helping Hand

_Author's note: Quite a few of you wanted to know who was going to help Ianto, well this chapter should tell you. This is in the same style as most of the story (last chapter was a special one off). Thank you to everyone who reviewed, I am going to see if I can reach 50 reviews for this chapter…if you know anyone who is reading and not reviewing ask them to, it means a lot and it makes me want to keep writing – sorry I am missing all the people I left in Oz so anyone saying anything nice is much appreciated. Love you all. _

…

She had left her station for literally a minute, just to go to the bathroom. Owen and Jack has gone Weevil hunting, although they rarely went together these days, and Gwen had been typing up a report, absorbed in the formalities of UNIT and the crown. The computer had picked it up, the tell-tale heart stutter and then decrease – it had forwarded her the warning and the CCTV footage. By the time she got back the screen was flashing red.

"Bugger."

They used to panic, dash about crying and cursing – but it has become almost routine by now; the collapses once or twice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. She called Gwen and together they trudged up to the hot-house, shoulders slumped in defeat.

He was sprawled on the floor, right arm flung out and the Watering Can which he had been clutching dripping sluggishly through the grill. They reached down, Tosh taking his arms and Gwen his legs, maneuvering him till he was propped against the wall. Then they waited.

"I miss him." Tosh blurted out. She hadn't meant to, the words had just slipped from between her lips. "I miss who he used to be."

Gwen nodded and put a comforting arm on her friends shoulder. "So do I cariad, so do I."

He came around a minute or two later and followed them to the med bay like a well trained puppy. When they arrived Tosh said she'd do the rest and Gwen went back to her station, trying not to hurry as she made her way up the steps. Tosh filled up a syringe, flicking it for air bubbles (all Torchwood staff had basic med training), and pushed it into Ianto's arm. He didn't even wince. Owen would check him over properly when he and Jack returned, for now her job was done.

She looked at her friend then, looked in a way no-one else had, and it broke her heart. His clothes hung off him and she knew beneath his shirt the ribs stuck out painfully clear. He barely ate except when Owen forced him too and, apart from that terrible day he had told Jack he was didn't want to live, he still hadn't spoken. He was a ghost, just a shell; she missed the man that used to fill it.

Reaching out, before her judgment got the better of her and told her to stop, she snaked her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder; breathing in his smell that even months of sickness hadn't changed.

They stood there for what felt like hours. Her: wrapped around him, he: cold and unresponsive. She felt the tears when they started, the first tears since it happened, and closed her eyes against them.

"I miss you" she whispered over and over again. "Come back Ianto – not for Torchwood, not for Jack, but for me – because I need you."

She pressed closer, squeezing him do that his sharp bones dug into her arms and chest, trying to pass some of her life into him. Then slowly, agonizingly slowly, she felt his arms come up and close themselves around her.

…

_End note: So the person who helps Ianto is Tosh, bet you weren't expecting that. __Now before any of you start going ewwwww, they will at no point become a couple. As you will discover later, Ianto needs Jack, but he wasn't the right person to tell him – I can't imagine Jack saying that, he's too proud. Tosh has always seemed like Ianto's closest friend in Torchwood and in this story Ianto and Jack are lovers but they aren't a couple yet (if that makes sense). As always review and tell me what you think ;)_


	13. With A Little Help From My Friends

_Author's note: I got to 50 reviews, thank you so much everyone *hugs, cookies and alcohol for those old enough*. This is a fairly short chapter, sorry, but if I get the same amazing response the next chapter should be up soon. I know what I meant to say in this chapter but I don't know whether what I actually said makes any sense, you'll have to let me know._

…

When Owen returned Tosh told him about the collapse and Ianto was given the usual check over – no one mentioned the hug. It was only in the weeks that afterwards that the two men began to wonder what had happened when they left The Hub.

Tosh had done something which no one else had – she'd told the truth. Ever since they'd found him Jack and Owen had treated Ianto like a precious china doll. Gwen had, at first, tried to help him with kind words and smiles, but eventually she'd given up. It was Tosh who had stood by, watching as, day by day, her friend grew weaker, smaller, watching and realizing something everybody else had missed.

They had been so caught up in saving him they hadn't talked to him. They had spoken; of course they had spoken, about all sorts of things. Owen about medical examinations, Jack about cute suits and coffee, Gwen about grief and how to deal with it, but no one had spoken about Ianto. About how they missed him, not the way he looked or his amazing hot beverages but about the man who he used to be, the man who was now gone.

Tosh had said that to him in a single hug. She had told him all the loneliness she felt in his absence and something had changed. Something had changed then, it was subtle, slow moving, but it was there.

He began to look people in the eye and occasionally they would discover his neat cursive writing weaving its way through their reports, correcting mistakes, the way he used to. There was nothing personal, no messages or quips, but he had lost that terrible emptiness.

Every night as the other's packed up and got ready to leave Tosh would hug Ianto and whisper "I miss you" in his ear. And every night he would hug her back.

…

_End note: There what did we think of that? The next chapter is more Tosh and Ianto (with a bit f Jack thrown in for some flavor)…are you all dying for some Janto? Well it is coming up, as the saying goes: distance makes the heart grow fonder (or something like that). As always, reviews are much appreciated XD Now off to watch Animals at work…._


	14. Sticks and Stones

_Author's note: I think I had a brain explosion when I wrote this chapter…and I wanted Ianto with no clothes on ;) Sorry this is slightly mean to our darling (but when have I been nice to him), but I am hoping you will like that it has some Jack in it. Anyway – enjoy._

* * *

It was one forty-eight when her phone rang, and she fumbled clumsily on the bedside table until her hand came into contact with the offending object. The screen was glaringly bright in the black room and she had to squint to read the caller ID.

Jack.

She pressed the talk button and maneuvered it to her ear.

"Hi Jack."

"Toshiko." His voice seemed oddly forced "Can you come over, quicker would be better."

"I'll be there s soon as I can – you're at Ianto's?"

"Yes."

"See you soon." She hung up, feeling her stomach clench with nerves. If Jack hadn't told her what the matter was she'd find out soon enough, all that she had to do was get to Ianto's flat.

She dragged herself out of bed and flicked on the bedside lamp. Yellow light flooded the room and she yawned loudly. Clothes, she thought, I need clothes. Yesterday's jeans hung over the chair and she grabbed a clean bra and t-shirt from the draws. The keys had managed to work themselves down the back of the sofa and she couldn't find her handbag. By the time she reached the door a quarter of an hour had passed.

* * *

Jack had been woken by the sound of running water and had frantically dashed to the bathroom. As he suspected the bath was running and Ianto was sitting in it, naked, with his knees pulled up to his chest.

"Ianto?" The young Welshman didn't turn, but Jack could tell he had heard him. "Ianto, what's the matter?"

The young man's face was streaked with tears and he was rocking slowly. He used to do that a lot, but Jack had thought…over the last few weeks…he had thought he was getting better. It broke his heart seeing this side again. He crouched down and placed a comforting hand on Ianto's damp shoulder. He wasn't shrugged off, but neither was he acknowledged – he wasn't there.

It was as he got closer that he heard what Ianto was saying, he felt his jaw clench in anger.

"Stupid Ianto, can't get a girl…what are ya? A poof?

'This is all your fault Ianto, your fault that your sister is in hospital – if you'd been a man then this wouldn't have happened.

'No son of mine is going to be a cock-sucking poofter, do you hear me? You are not my son!

'Who's this Lisa then? Is she another one of your imaginary girlfriends? Don't think I don't know what you're doing behind my back young man."

The words ran into one another, on and on, insults, curses; it hurt Jack's ears just to hear them. Eventually it seemed that Ianto couldn't take it anymore – he put his hands over his ears, trying to block out his own voice.

"No no no! Tosh make it go away, make it stop. Tosh please, please tell them!"

Jack tried to make him stop, tried to tell him it would be alright, but Ianto kept ignoring him, kept asking for Tosh. Jack couldn't work it out. Why Tosh? What had she done, what had she said? He wracked his brain but he could think of nothing. Finally he did the only thing he could think of.

"Ianto" the word was clear "do you want me to get Tosh?"

He had expected no response, or perhaps a half acknowledged shake of the head. He certainly hadn't expected the strong, definite nod that followed his words.

* * *

_End note: So I have done something I promised I'd never do – I made Ianto gay…well bisexual…I know he says "it's only Jack" but I have decided to explain that by saying that Ianto was denying it to himself that is why he said it…you'll find out why later. What do we think? Am I being to mean? Yes? TO BAD! Nah I will be nicer…eventually…I was thinking of sending GDL a copy of this and asking what he thought but then even I am not that self promoting. Please Review. _


	15. Scared and Missing Her

_Author's note: Sorry for how long it has been between updates. I have been doing "touristy things" and planning for school. This chapter is mostly about Tosh, and our darling, hope you enjoy it. Countdown to Wales: 16 days._

* * *

When she arrived Jack led her straight through to the bathroom.

"He's been doing it for about half an hour" He nodded at Ianto. "He asked for you – I didn't know what else to do."

Tosh nodded, it was strange to see Jack like this, confused, frightened: just another person, not the hero he always seemed at work. She hadn't realised how strong an affect she had had on Ianto, but she realised that Jack needed her to be strong, and so she was.

"Ianto, cariad." The Welsh term of endearment felt strange on her tongue but she knew he responded well to it. "You miss her don't you?"

A nod.

"You miss that she could make everything better, you miss being close to another person, and you're scared. Scared that what happened to her could happen to you; scared that someone you loved could be taken away like that; scared of us and our part in her death. You have every right to be scared, you have every right to miss her.

'We miss you to cariad, and we're scared of what you tried to do and worried that you might do it again. That's why everyone is acting so strangely Ianto – because we're scared of hurting you, the way you were scared of hurting her."

She let the words come out. Purer, simpler than her thoughts, but she thought the said enough, she could only hope Ianto thought so too.

* * *

Jack stood by and watched as Toshiko, silent, seemingly naïve Toshiko, made Ianto Jones better.

He couldn't hear what she said, but he could see the effect it had on the young man – the way his being seemed to drift towards her. And as she spoke she worked. Gently helping Ianto out of the bath, unfazed by his nudity, and wrapping his now shivering body in a fluffy towel. Then she took his hand – still talking – and led him down the hallway into the bedroom. Jack followed then and stared mutely as she gathered Ianto's underwear and disregarded pajamas from the floor and quickly dressing him.

At one point Jack made as if to help her, but she put out a restraining hand without once stopping the flow of words that fell from her lips. When he was dressed, Tosh pulled back the covers and made Ianto lie down. Then she kicked off her shoes and climbed in next to the young Welshman, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He snuggled into her, closing his eyes, and only then did the words stop.

* * *

_End note: Hope that explained some things ( I swear this story is confusing even me so don't worry if you are completley lost). I will get around to making everything clearer soon and bringing everything together...there are a couple more things Ianto is going through...Anyway, hope you enjoyed, I shall try and update soon. _


	16. Time To Change

_Author's note: So this is Jack and Tosh talking and discovering how to help Ianto; and Jack gets a chance to make things better…as always reviews are much appreciated_

* * *

It was half an hour later when Tosh walked into the living room to see Jack sitting on the sofa that served as his bed. She had two cups of tea in her hands – not daring to touch Ianto's coffee machine – and held one out to the captain as a kind of peace offering. They didn't speak at first, just sat and sipped, and finally it was Tosh who broke the silence.

"I'm sorry Jack; I meant to tell you, I just…"

She trailed off, glancing towards her boss to gauge his reaction and was startled to see tears in his eyes.

"How did you do it Tosh?" His voice still has the croaky I-just-woke-up quality, "How did you get through to him?"

Tosh bit her lip. She could lie to him, tell him that it was just luck – that she'd done nothing, and things would go back to exactly how they had been. She owed it to Ianto if not to Jack, she owed it to him to tell the truth.

"I just watched him Jack." She saw the slight smirk on the older man's face and realised what she had said. "Not in that way!" She batted his arm in reprimand.

"No you're right, this isn't funny. Please continue."

"You and Owen have been so busy caring for him you haven't had the chance just to look at him – look at what he's trying to tell you. And Gwen…Gwen's new, she can almost see it , but she doesn't know him well enough; that's why I'm the only one Jack."

Jack furrowed his brow; he could almost see where Tosh was going, almost but not quite.

"So you're saying all you did was watch him and he told you things? But he hasn't spoken to anybody."

"No Jack, he hasn't, but that doesn't mean he doesn't tell you things. Watch the way he acts around us – he's scared. Remember his eyes when we killed Lisa? He's scared that you're still angry at him, that you hate him. He's worried you wish he'd died."

Now Jack was crying, and she let him. Sometimes people wanted comfort, sometimes they didn't.

"How could he think that? I've missed him so much. I would never hate him. Yes I was angry, but I'm not now, you can't hate someone for loving too much. How do I make him understand?"

"Tell him Jack, talk to him – not at him. Say everything you've said to me, say it over and over again until he understands you mean it, tell him you miss him, hug him, show him people still love him. He needs you Jack, more than he needs me, let him have you."

* * *

_Endnote: So I think I will put up a chapter on Sunday for my birthday (it is very exciting), It will be a birthday chapter :P_


	17. What You See Isn't What You Get

_Author's note: Well my birthday was awesome – I got a birthday cupcake from the cute waiter at the place we had "tea" at…and the best is yet to come. This weekend I am going to Cardiff Bay (and having Pizza at the Pizza Express next to Torchwood) and then going on a trail ride in the Brecon Beacons (shall keep on the lookout for cannibals). This update is a little late- sorry, but…nobody seems to be reviewing any more __It makes me sad…_

* * *

Ianto woke up the next morning with someone's arms around him and a warm body spooned into his back. His first thought was Lisa, but his memory soon booted-up and reminded him otherwise. Why did Tosh stay the night? - was his second thought. But the body beside him felt too heavy for the young Japanese woman, and he wiggled, confused, trying to see the face of the person next to him.

Sleepy eyes and a scruff of light brown hair stood before him and Ianto felt his chest grow tight. Jack was lying next to him; those were his arms encircling Ianto's chest – suddenly he was terrified. What if he couldn't escape? What if jack didn't let him go? Was he going to be locked up? Had last night been the last straw, were they going to get rid of him?

He used all his strength and broke easily from Jack's sleeping form. Scrambling into the bathroom he locked the door after him and sat on the toilet – pulling his knees to his chest. The sound of stumbling footsteps followed him down the hall and he whimpered when he heard a knock on the door.

In his mind he was a child again, trapped in his bedroom, with his father drunk and angry on the other side of the door.

"Ianto? Are you alright?" The voice was kind, sleepy, disorientated, but kind. The voice in his head was not.

"Ianto! Open the door you little shit! I know you're in there. You think mammy's going to save you? Well she's not..."

In the bathroom Ianto pressed his hands over his ears, singing softly under his breath to block out the voice. Waiting for his father to break through the door, brandishing a leather belt and smelling or beer and piss.

Outside the bathroom Jack was starting to get worried. There was nothing in there that Ianto could hurt himself with, but that didn't mean he wouldn't try. Jack ran back to the lounge room and fumbled with his coat until he found the spare key he knew was hidden there. Then he ran back to the bathroom and jammed it in the lock.


	18. A Lesson In Psychology

_Author's note: Came back from Cardiff! Ianto Jones shrine was epic, there was stuff on there in Russian. Russian? Also they have covered Torchwood in giant strawberry stickers for the Cardiff Festival, is amusing. But: to the story. _

...

He'd tried his best to clean himself up, but Jack was well aware of how awful he looked. One of his eyes was almost sealed shut and he had numerous bruises littering his chest and face. At least, he thought, my clothes are vaguely presentable. Ianto stood beside him as the lift descended, eyes down cast, arms hugging himself. Jack sighed – this was going to be difficult to explain.

"Fuck Jack! Did a truck hit you?" Owen stood at the bottom of the tower – expression somewhere between amusement and concern. The medic part of him was worried for his friends health, the Owen part was laughing at him.

"Erm, not quite…" Jack's hand rubbed over the vortex manipulator on his wrist, a sure sign of worry. "More like a small whirlwind of Welshman."

Owen grinned, then, realising what Jack meant raised his eyebrows incredulously.

"Ianto did that to you? What did you try to do to him? You didn't...y'know?" The medic gestured with his hands, colour rising in his cheeks.

"No Owen, I didn't try and sleep with him, even I am not that insensitive." His expression was neutral but Owen knew the accusation had hurt him.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to suggest you were. What did happen – I'm guessing it wasn't an overly enthusiastic hug."

Jack glanced around and Tosh, who had overheard the conversation from her station, moved forward, taking Ianto's hand and leading him towards the archives.

"I'm going to find that artefact you asked about." She called over her shoulder, "Come on Gwen, many hands make light work." Gwen looked confused but followed behind, sensing Jack's need to talk to Owen alone.

Their steps echoed down the hallway and Jack waited until they faded out to turn to the doctor, muttering a quiet thanks to Tosh for her quick thinking. He owed that girl.

"Owen. What do you know about psychology?"

"What?"

"Psychology: the study of the mind. You're a doctor, what do you know about it?"

"Not all that much, trauma often leads to psychological damage in patients but...ohhhh." Understanding flashed behind his eyes. "Jack, what did he do? And more importantly: what did he say?"

...

_End note: Ok I shall say this now although it mostly applies to the next two chapters: I am not medically trained so all the symptoms and issues I am referring to are either a) real but embellished or b) from my mind. Also if anyone is interested I am thinking of putting up a Ianto/John fic (I am a little pissed off at Jack at the moment) and would like an outsider's opinion...if you want to._


	19. Owen's Story

_Author's note: Ok guys, because I have been so slack recently I am giving you a two chapters on one (yes feel free to fall at my feet in worship). The first one continues directly from last chapter, the next one is a story…about Ianto. They are separated by the page break __ Hopefully the second one will go a long way to explaining some of the things I am sure you are wondering…I hope you enjoy them both, and please review, they make my day!_

…

"It was horrible Owen his screams, it was like he saw me as a monster." Jack took a deep breath, trying o steady his voice. "I tried talking, telling him it was okay, that I wouldn't hurt him, but he just cowered against the wall, shaking. Then when I tried to approach him he lashed out. He was scared Owen, he was so scared."

The Londoner nodded, he heard of it before, people undergoing serve trauma, pulling up old memories and replaying them in their lives, the subconscious warning them. He didn't know much about Ianto's past –not really, but as his doctor he did know a few things Jack didn't.

"Jack? Did he say anything to you? Call you anything or anyone? Did he give you any idea that he might be seeing a different time and place?"

Jack's brow furrowed, there was something…

"Owen, you know when little kids are scared? The way they drum their fists against you like they're trying to punch you…that was what Ianto was like, like I was an adult and he was a child. I don't think he thought he could hurt me, it was a complete reflex. As for talking – he yelled nonstop, I could barely understand a word of it and what I did hear was in Welsh, but I heard him say 'chwaer' once or twice…that means sister doesn't it? Why was he yelling about his sister?"

Owen's eyes were dark and serious and he looked at Jack for a long time before he spoke.

"I am going to tell you something that I shouldn't, I am going to do the worst thing a doctor can do – I am going to tell you one of my patients' secrets. I am only going to say this once Jack, so I want you to listen."

…

"As you know all Torchwood staff undergo bi-annual check up's. it's pretty basic stuff, I thing the only highlight is seeing the girls in their knickers. Usually I only do internal check-ups – blood pressure, heart rate, sugar levels, and cell count – all the basics. Occasionally when someone has had a recent or persisting issue or injury I check that too.

'Well last year the check-ups were two days after our run in with that nasty alien vine, the one that causes the skin to burn. Gwen and Tosh didn't touch it so they were fine, it killed you so obviously you were fine, but it had caught Ianto on the back and he has some horrible burns from it.

'I gave him the usual examination and checked the burns, it was healing well, but I noticed some unusual scarring under it. It looked like someone has tried colouring his back in cross-hatch. I just assumed it was part of the vine's effect and that it would fade, so I ignored it.

'Remember in January how that Weevil cut open his back? Well when I treated that wound I saw that the strange marks were still there. I asked him about them but he wouldn't tell me, in the end I said I needed to know for medical reasons and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone else – I'm breaking that promise.

'He told me they were from when he was younger...from when his father had hit him with a belt – they were the marks left by the buckle. He said it had happened for twelve years – from four to sixteen, when his father died. He said he also used to beat his mother and his sister. He said he only did it when he was drunk and that it used to be very occasional, but just before he died it got worse.

He didn't tell me the rest but I did my research and I found it out. From the ages of ten to sixteen Ianto Jones was hospitalised fourteen times due to serious injury – cause unknown. His sister Rhiannon was hospitalised six times for serious injury – cause unknown...and his mother dies of accumulative impacts to the skull two years after his father died. Accumulative impacts to the skull means that over a period of time a person has seriously damaged their skull and blood has pooled in the afflicted areas of the brain causing clots and sometimes haemorrhages – sometimes not until years after the incidents happened.

'I had to dig deep to get that information, it had been wiped from the records, presumably before Ianto gained employment with Torchwood One. I am the only person he has ever told about this and I had to bully him to get the information out. I'm telling you because I think that's why he hurt you, because in his mind you were his father and you were trying to hurt him and his sister.

'His mind is damaged, very damaged and I think you need to know what I just told you to help fix it. I trusted you with someone else's secret Jack, don't abuse that trust."

...

_End note: Well that was pleasant...not! But I think it needed to be explored, sorry (one more chapter and you get a little fluff). Just to repeat, I know nothing about medicine and all those, erm, diagnosis's were made-up (to sound real) :P Anyway, enjoy and again, sorry for the wait. _


	20. How Could I?

_Authors: Ok, more Tosh power in this chapter…I am sorry about (yet another) wait for this update – if I could get to over 90 reviews this chapter it would be great XD Guess what I got? TICKETS TO JOHN BARROWMAN'S TOUR! *grins* Ok let the chapter commence._

…

After he had finished Owen had left the room without another word. Jack had sat there, mouth agape, struggling to process the information he had just been given. Why was it such a surprise, why hadn't he already known?

The more time passed the more Jack realised just how little he knew about Ianto Jones. He should have investigated him more before he started working for them, he should have found out everything there was to know. He could have found it all – his favourite colour, his favourite food, his childhood friends, he could have found out everything. But he had been too dazzled by the cute suits and the cheeky smile, he hadn't bothered to dig deep and now he was paying the price.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. He couldn't look Ianto in the eye and had been avoiding him until tosh pulled him to one side just after lunch.

"Jack!" she had practically shouted "What are you doing? Avoiding Ianto, not looking him in the eye? I know what Owen told you was a shock – but for god's sake! You have a brain: use it. He thinks you're angry at him again, at least look at him. Make an effort Jack. Did you listen to anything I told you last night?"

She stood in front of him, hands on hips, eyes blazing, this protective, commanding side of his college was a new one to Jack and he was finding it slightly frightening.

"I'm sorry Tosh, I didn't realise – hang on, did you just say you know what Owen told me? How? Did he tell you too? Does everyone know except me?"

Tosh didn't shift, continuing to glare at him, but after a while, seeing the hurt in his eyes, she relented.

"No Jack, Gwen doesn't know and is it's any consolation, Ianto never told me; I don't think he even knows I know. But he has nightmares, I've heard him during the night, he says things, terrible things – I never tell him I've heard them but that doesn't mean I haven't. As I said Jack: all you need to do is watch and sometimes listen. People aren't meant to keep secrets, things will always slip out." And with that she turned heel and left.

For the rest of the day Jack made sure he smiled at Ianto and treated him kindly – wanting to show he cared, and by the time everybody was ready to leave Tosh's anger had dissipated.

Owen and Gwen had left and Tosh was walking towards the Cog door. Jack watched as she stopped next to Ianto who was standing in his usual position next to the entrance. Reaching out she hugged him and whispered something into his ear, then made her way out of the Hub.

Thinking about her words last night and that day Jack knew what he had to do. He braced himself, took a deep breath and stepped towards the young Welshman.

"Ianto" he called "We're going home. There are some things I need to say, some things I need to apologise for.

...

_End note: Next chapter has a scene you've all been waiting for (no not that one), and it should be up just as soon as you all review (hint hint). Enjoy. _


	21. Getting Better All The Time

_Author's note: Okay this is the chapter you have all been waiting for (I'm sorry for the wait…or maybe not, suspense is good). Harmless fluff never hurt anyone, in fact; in this case, it might even help someone __And you'll understand this once you've read the chapter: that is the best way in the world to make hot chocolate._

* * *

Jack waited until they'd eaten; happily watching as Ianto voluntarily cleared his plate for the first time in many months, and went into the kitchen to wash up. Standing there, by the sink, his arms elbow high in soapy water; he thought about what he was going to say. He couldn't just go up to the young man and tell him he knew everything, that he was sorry, and then demand forgiveness. If Ianto hadn't told them about his past then it had been for a reason, and as he didn't yet know what that reason was he was going to have to tread carefully.

He wanted Ianto to feel safe, unthreatened and the most comforting thing he knew was hot chocolate – without marshmallows, but only because Ianto hated them. He made the drink strong and hot, using honey instead of sugar and adding the smallest pinch of cinnamon. They he picked the mugs up, tucked two drink casters under his arm and made his way carefully into the lounge.

Ianto was curled up on one end of the sofa, wrapped in a soft blanket with his feet tucked up under him. It had become their ritual in the past few weeks, sitting together on the sofa, reading or watching something, never talking, never touching – just being together, someplace away for Torchwood.

The young Welshman smiled when he saw what Jack was carrying and held out his hands for the mug. Handing it over Jack gingerly perched himself of the other end of the sofa, watching as a hot-chocolate mustache formed on Ianto's upper lip.

He waited until they had both finished drinking then spoke,

"I was talking to Owen today; I was worried about what happened to you the other night."

Jack watched the young man's reaction carefully and was sad but not surprised to see the change that came over him. Where he had been relaxed, dozing against the head rest, he sat up, straight as a board, fingers clutching onto the quilt wrapped around him. He nodded, eyes wide and frightened but clearly wanting Jack to continue.

"He told me things, things I didn't know…" He stopped himself. "Things I hadn't bothered to find out…he told me about your dad…"

Comprehension hit Ianto like a brick and Jack watched in horror as, before his eyes, Ianto appeared to become smaller, pulling back in on himself, trying to become invisible. It was like someone had flicked a switch: he was no longer a damaged young man, he was a hurt, frightened child. And suddenly Jack understood why.

There was a reason Ianto had never told anyone about the abuse he had suffered, but it wasn't what Jack had assumed. It wasn't because he didn't want to remember, it wasn't because he was angry or hurt – no, the scars ran much deeper than that. Because Ianto Jones thought he deserved it – the beatings, the abuse, the constant punishment, in his eyes he was guilty.

That was why he had never told anyone, because he was afraid they would see him as he saw himself, a creature deserving of any punishment it was given, simply because it existed.

"How dare he?" The words were out of Jack's mouth before he could stop them, and Jack could have hit himself as he watched Ianto cower back in fear.

Calming himself Jack turned, holding his hands out in the universal symbol for peace.

"Listen to me Ianto. I don't know what he told you, what he did to you – but you didn't deserve it. You are not worthless; you do not deserve to be treated like you were. You are strong and brave and kind and beautiful. You deserve love and respect, you don't deserve to be hurt and you certainly don't deserve to die…" Jack stopped, noticing for the first time the tears weaving their way down Ianto's cheeks. "Ianto?"

His voice was strong, although tears still leaked from his eyes and he wouldn't look Jack in the face.

"It _was _my fault. He told me, he said is I was quiet, if I took my punishment that I would get better….and I did, for a time. But then he started hitting Rhi and mam, and I couldn't just watch. Every time I'd try and stop him ad every time his punishment would fall on me. I learned to cope, usually I would fix myself, sometimes I needed hospital, but I always deserved it."

Jack had sat, listening silently, but now he had to say something.

"No you didn't- no-one does, not ever."

He saw Ianto open his mouth to argue and realised that there was only one way to stop him – so he kissed him.

It wasn't a kiss between lovers, it was a kiss between friends. It held comfort and understanding and hope and love, and Ianto felt it all. When they broke apart Jack smiled and pulled Ianto closer into his arms. The day had been a mixed blessing. He had learnt something to terrible to be true, but true nonetheless, Ianto had spoken and they had kissed. Just once, and not for long, but it was enough.

Maybe, thought Jack, maybe things will be alright after all.

* * *

_End note: There we go, they kissed, are you happy now? Remember reviews are love, and I'm almost at 100, to reach it would make my day!_


	22. There Is A Time For Every Purpose

_Author's Note: Once again I am sorry for the wait (I am getting so slack) I finally finished this story and I can tell you there are four more chapters including this one, unfortunately this chapter is not one of my best, sorry…anyway, enjoy and remember reviews=love._

…

Jack Harkness woke up to a cold bed and empty arms. They'd fallen asleep last night, curled on the sofa; Ianto's head nestled against his chest, still wheezing softly from the tears. He's so young - that was the thought that struck Jack – too young.

Nobody really noticed it, Ianto seemed old for his years, and maybe Jack was beginning to understand why. Ageing isn't always physical, he knew that better than anyone, you could age emotionally and mentally as well. In the last few days he'd learnt so much about his college, and he knew that there was so much more yet to come.

He's like an iceberg; the clichéd metaphor slipped unbidden into his mind. You can only see that top, and Jack was starting to realise now much was under water. All he could hope was that Ianto revealed all in time- and that it didn't drown him.

Now, as he gazed around the deserted room he heard a loud crash from the kitchen. Startled he jumped out of bed and peered around the door to see Ianto standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by pieces of broken china. He looked up when Jack came in, his face a cross between confusion and disbelief.

"I was making coffee, and it just…fell." He shook his head "Things never fall."He seemed about to cry.

Jack walked forward, trying to display his most reassuring smile.

"It's okay Ianto, sometimes we break things and it is very early in the morning, maybe you just need to wake up a bit more."

"No, no, no, no, no…you don't understand Jack. I never break things, not ever, and I've never told anyone about Tad, not even Lisa…that's an awful lot of 'never's' that is have just broken."

"You're just tired Ianto and you've been through a lot. As someone once told me: people aren't meant to keep secrets – maybe it was time to tell someone." He reached out towards Ianto but the young man pulled away, now he was crying, but it didn't seem to be out of fear or sadness, more out of frustration.

"But it doesn't make sense! It's like my head isn't working. I should never have told you, I didn't mean to; it was like I couldn't stop myself. With Tosh it was the same – like I wasn't in control. I should have died Jack – I wanted to die…but now? Now I'm not so sure. I'm so scared, nothing makes sense…as if someone has cut together random pieces of whom I used to be and who I am, and added them together all wrong." He paused, considering. "And now I'm telling you thins – why am I telling you this?"

He stood there, looking straight at Jack, begging him to understand – to help.

"Ianto, I – I don't know. When Lisa died you went through so much and you kept it all bottled up. Then when…why you tried…when it happened, your body got hurt as well. So much change in so little time – something had to give.

'Remember when you first woke up, how angry you were at me? How you said you didn't want to live. Then with Toshiko, how she told me how scared you must be, and when Owen told me about your past…I began to understand that maybe you weren't angry – maybe you just said what you'd been told – maybe you really though you deserved to die.

'But then last night someone told you that you deserved to live – I bet nobody told you that before. Not your mum or Rhiannon because they were too scared. Not Lisa or anyone on the team because they didn't know- it must have shifted your whole world."

It was the closest he could get to the beginning of an understanding, but he could tell that some of it at least struck true. Ianto smiled up at him, a weak watery smile, that was impossible to read, but a smile nonetheless,

"Thank you Jack" was all he said.


	23. Secrets

_Author's Note: I am sorry I have been so slack about updating this. I have been focusing on "Change of Hart" which has four chapters up if you're interested XD Thank you to everyone who reviewed and alerted and favourited etc. Just so I know who is still reading do you reckon you could drop a review, even if it's just "liked it / hated it" shameless begging I know but whatever. Hope you enjoy._

…

"You're talking, you're actually talking!" Gwen flung her arms around Ianto's neck and hugged him tight.

She thought she'd been imagining things when she'd walked into The Hub to find Ianto sitting on Tosh's desk, speaking quietly to the young Japanese woman it had taken a vigorous shaking of the head and two quiet, slight awkward 'good-morning's to convince her otherwise.

She stepped away from the young man, laughing at the scarlet flush that had spread across his cheeks. She heard rather than saw Jack behind her and turned to embrace him too.

"You're brilliant you are." He grinned the famous Harkness grin, but looked confused.

"I know I am but what exactly have I done to merit this outburst?"

"He's talking, he's talking!"

Jack smiled. "Yes he is, and as much as I would like to take credit I have to say it was down to Ianto – he felt the time was right" he gestured to the Welshman and then glanced at Tosh. "And Tosh too – thank you."

She nodded and jack could tell she understood what he was trying to say. Owen had arrived and with the whole team assembled Jack decided it was time to get down to business.

"Right team, there are some things we need to talk about, really talk about – I want you all in the boardroom, ten minutes. You too Ianto." He looked around them all once, and then left.

They sat around the table clutching takeaway mugs of coffee which Gwen had got into the habit of buying each morning. Ianto wouldn't touch the stuff but neither was he ready to go back to his usual role of coffee maker, so the other's suffered in silence.

"I thought I would never say this" Jack started, and Owen raised an eyebrow. In his experience there were not many things Jack had never said. "But we need to have a team talk." He mimed quotation marks around the last two words.

"As you know that last month has been…difficult, but hopefully things are starting to get better." He risked a glance at Ianto and was pleased to note that the young man seemed neither uncomfortable nor afraid – maybe last night had helped.

"You have all been wonderful and I can't imagine a group of people who –"He was cut off by Owen making gagging noises and turned slightly a disgruntled stare on him.

"Oh come off it Jack. You sound like a right ponce." The girls giggled and Jack considered with a half smile.

"Alright then, I'll leave out all the gooey stuff and get down to business properly. I am not going to blame anyone for recent events, in fact I believe most of the guilt lies squarely on my shoulders, but I do need to say this: we can't have secrets.

'As your boss and you friend I need to know when something is wrong – no Gwen I don't mean when Rhys has a cold although we will undoubtedly hear about it anyway. I mean big secrets that could endanger you or the team, now or in the future. You all have them, I've seen some of them and I'm sure there are more. I'm not asking you to tell us all right now but if they do become an issue I want you to know that we are here for you."

The room was silent, broken only by the ticking of the monitor in the background. Nobody would look at anybody else and Gwen had turned a deep crimson. Tosh was the first one to speak.

"I think we've all seen and felt the consequences of keeping secrets Jack; and I think I speak for the whole team when I say we will tell you." She looked around the room and was answered by a series of nods and mumbled agreement.

"Thank you – all of you." Jack paused, unsure of how to finish.

"Meeting adjourned."


	24. I'm Back

_Author's Note: Mere words cannot express how sorry I am in the ridiculous time it has taken me to update – as a token of my guilt I shall give you all an imaginary ticket to see John Barrowman in Cardiff (sorry they're not real cause I have no money and also I think it's booked out). Anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed alerted or favourited, you guys mean the world. _

…

He stood in front of the familiar machine, hands bunched into tight fists by his side. He could do it – he just had to prepare himself.

Jack's talk had made him think. True it had been to the whole team but he also knew that some of it was aimed directly at him. It was the Captain's way of letting him know that he could talk to him. That he knew there were more secrets and that, when the time came, there was someone willing to listen to them.

It worried Ianto slightly, that they knew he was still hiding something; it worried him to think he was so transparent. At least they didn't know that it was that he was hiding and for that much he was grateful. They already knew too much about his past, he wouldn't let them know any more. It had taken Owen a long time to find out about his father, it had taken Jack even longer to realise the full implications of the abuse; he had made sure they wouldn't discover what it had lead to – not as long as he lived.

He was good at hiding secrets, he'd had them all his life, now though he had something he'd never had before – people who cared for him. And he had discovered that they were much harder to hide things from. It should have ended that night, Owen shouldn't have found him, but this was Torchwood and nothing ever went as planned. Now, for the first time, he wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not.

So he had decided to do the only thing he could think of, to carry on. He wasn't scared of the anymore, he brain had sorted itself out after the talk with Jack, but he was still wary. They would be watching him, watching for any sign that something was wrong. He couldn't make a mistake, he couldn't slip. Maybe if he played the part well enough they would forget this had ever happened, and then, then they would stop watching him.

So now he was standing in front of the coffee machine. And he was ready.

The familiar hiss of water as it turned to steam, the smell of freshly ground coffee as the boiling water ran through it, he realised how much he had missed them. The mugs were exactly where he had left them, although covered in a thin film of dust that he rinsed off carefully. He knew their tastes, all of them – morning, noon and, more often than not, night.

Owen liked his black with two sugars, but if he had more than three a day he was in an even worse mood than usual. Tosh liked a latte, one sugar, no cocoa on top. Gwen liked a rich cappuccino, two sugars - although on a particularly hard day she had been known to add three. And Jack? Jack like a flat white – always pronounced with correct Australian "Flaat Whyte" – but he'd settle for whatever was going.

Thinking about this, the simple familiarity of the task at hand, he thought he realised what Tosh meant when she had said she'd missed him.

Well Tosh, he thought, I missed me too. But I'm back, at least for now…

…

_End Note: Sorry I couldn't resist 'Flaat Whyte' *giggles* ah we Australians and our lazy vowels. Hope you liked it and now I have to ask something. I was thinking of continuing this story on with Ianto's "secret" he tells us about in this chapter, but I realised it was dragging on. So here are the options:_

_I write a sequel to this and explore what happened in that (after Change of Hart is finished)_

_I leave it and let you guess what he is hiding_

_I tell you what he's hiding and leave it at that._

_You guys tell me what you want, majority rules XD_


	25. The End Is The Beginning

_Author's Note: Well this has been the first Torchwood chapter fic I have successfully completed…and this is the last chapter! I've really enjoyed writing this and hearing all your comments on it and I may even write a sequel after Change of Hart is finished or if I need a break…Reviews are always loved, and as this is the last chapter, if you've been reading I'd love to hear what you thought. Thank you to everyone who has been reading, hope you all enjoy this last chapter. X_

…

The smell of coffee drifted towards his nostrils and Owen almost cried for joy. He'd never smoked, doctors usually didn't, but he imagined giving up smoking was rather like giving up Ianto's coffee- painful in the extreme. Over the past few months he had watched Ianto hit rock bottom, apparently drag himself back, hit it again, and, finally it seemed, get better. Not entirely better but well enough to make coffee, which was "better enough" for now.

"Ahhh, finally proper coffee that tastes like something better then dirty dishwater." Owen took a sip and grinned. "Not lost the magic touch then teaboy."

Tosh was next to receive her cup and she smiled up at Ianto, placing a gentle hand on his arm. He placed his own on top of hers, and an unspoken message of thanks and friendship passed between them.

Gwen practically jumped him and stated simply "I have missed this." The others nodded in agreement, hearing the deeper, truer meaning behind her words.

Jack was the last to receive his, whether by accident or design Owen couldn't tell but he did notice the special care Ianto took when handing his mug over. Jack sipped and closed his eyes, a look of pure ecstasy plastered across his face. Ianto turned to leave the room just in time to hear Jack say,

"I love you!"

He dropped the tray.

It was one of those throwaway comments people make all the time, like saying 'I hate you' when someone steals the last biscuit, but the current of unspoken emotion circulating the room made it impossible not to read meaning into it. As one the team turned to look at the young Welshman, who, pretending it was nothing, hastily retrieved his tray and apologised for his clumsiness before retreating, as quickly as was dignified, out of the room.

Owe raised an eyebrow, looking pointedly from Jack to Ianto's disappearing figure and back again.

"I, um, I have to get something from my, ahem, office." It was a terrible cover-up but everybody knew what he was actually doing so what was the point in making up a better one?

Jack jumped up from his seat, and almost ran out of the room. In his hurry to catch up with Ianto, Jack almost fell down the stairs, ripping his shirt in the process.

"Bollocks!" he cursed loudly, and checked to see that the damage hadn't extended to his skin. Even before he had a chance to look up Ianto was beside him, ready to help. For a moment Jack had a flashback to how it used to be, before everything went wrong, when Ianto was teaboy, always there, always beside them. It was then that he realised just how much he missed the young man.

"Jack, can I get you anything?" Ianto's eyes were neutral but Jack thought he could see something moving in their grey-blue depths.

"Yes actually, you could."

"A bandage, clean shirt, more coffee –"

"No." Jack put his finger the pale mouth and smiled "This."

Jack pulled Ianto towards him and pressed their lips together, feeling the warmth of the young man underneath him. When then pulled apart Jack grinned.

"That," he said "Was just what I needed."

He looked up at Ianto, begging him to see, to feel the message in his actions. The young man looked back.

"Did you mean it?

"Mean what?"

"What you said in the boardroom, what you said then." A faint blush crept into his cheeks, "I'd like you hear you say it, just once, and so I know it's true…please?" His eyes were bright, sparkling with something more than tears.

"Ianto, I- I can't, I wish I could, but…"

"Just whisper it, quietly in my ear, then no-one else can hear…maybe it would help you too, you keep too much inside, we both so, please Jack, please."

Seeing the fear, the desperation behind his lover's, his friend's, eyes Jack caved, and, leaning close to his ear whispered softly

"I love you Ianto Jones."

From the boardroom above three faces peered down through the glass.

"I've been a doctor for a long time" commented Owen "But in all my years I have never found a cure quite as good as love."

The comment was surprising, coming as it did from the sullen doctor, but, from the two figures below, to the three above, nobody was inclined to argue.

THE END


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